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O Aipotu [Apr. 5th, 2008|10:11 pm]
3/5/2008
    The stories I've been most attracted to have some interesting themes lately. First the anarchy of "The Disposessed", now "Walden Two". An addictive book, that. It gets more and more addictive the longer you read. Obviously written by a psychologist, the way they portray Castle. Castle gives me the impression he's never heard of Greek philosophy, and he's supposed to be a philosophy teacher? He gave a class on utopias without understanding that "Walden Two", in many of the ways that Castle takes offense, is merely an imitation of "Plato's Republic."? The way he gets around the technical problems outlined by Plato are at once impressive, disturbing, and socially impossible. It seems that the book can only be feasible  if we ignore how society came to be (as the book does quite as deftly as Frazier) and take the assumption that it already exists. It seems that the book can only be feasible if we ignore how the society came to be (as the book does quite as deftly as Frazier) and take the assumption that it really exists.
    The second coming, indeed, the government Jehovah's Witnesses are all aflutter about, and the irony is that it denies God, or concerns itself now with Him rather, and as horrible as the supposedly religious might think this to be it could in fact be the greatest deliverance of mankind, and intelligent Eden. That it may also be the greatest blasphemy we could ever commit is an issue I'm admittedly ill-prepared to discuss. However, as doubtfully as the label 'Philosopher' applies to Castle, he represents the inevitable psuedo-intellectual holdouts to such a plan and, when pushed back against the holders of power and given over to their fear, together they can become a formidable opposition to peaceful existence in any form.
    I think it is a difficult-to-answer question that presents itself here, very difficult at least to answer objectively because we are not objective. I'm not the psychologist here and he has some interesting arguments on perspective. He seems, however, to have as low an opinion of philosophy as I have of its fakers such as Castle, who is not a philosopher at all, as he clearly doesn't know how to argue a philosophical point with any effectiveness.  The irony is that psychologists rarely realize  how many of their deep reasonings 'are' covered under philosophy, and I begin to wonder, after experiences I've heard, if the philosophy departments, the philosophy teachers, at other schools were nearly as good as mine. Dr. Gene Fendt is a personal hero of mine and I hope he doesn't mind the endorsement. I understand it's a bit like a politician getting public approval from a jailed Klansman, but there it is. He is an honest hero, and if I'd paid more attention to him I probably wouldn't be in prison now. Change takes time, I'm sad to say. I took too long.
    But back to the point. Philosophically I'm a rank amateur, but it's a poor philosopher who holds that democracy is essential to effective government. Once again we can turn to the "Republic", because general principles are timeless, and it is for this very reason that they are important. As Kant would say in his evolution of Greek philosophy, it it's not universal, it's not correct. Nothing based solely on experience can be universal! The "Republic" establishes universally that Democracy will have a tendency to produce bad leadership so long as most people are not good leaders, and therefore are inept to judge leadership ability. Popularity tends toward bad leaders, and so the only solutions are an improbable [one] and [a] more improbable one: to remove the powers of the people -- so that by lot or by the design of the competent leader, competent successive leadership can be secured -- or to make each person a competent leader.
    But back to the objective question I left dangling. Would you sign? We are simply not objective, so it's hard to say, never having experienced a community like  Walden Two. But I would not sign for two reasons that are really one: I'm a philosopher.
    Pain and misery are important to me. They've made me what I am and being given the chance to do wrong, to hurt others to make the world a worse place, has been an important part of that growth. If I were not ashamed of the harm I've done, why should I care about it? If I had not done evil, experienced it, why should I be concerned with doing right. By eliminating the wrongs of the world you remove the opportunity to do, to choose right, and it loses all meaning! As Castle put it, without realizing what he had, Walden Two has shattered; it has demolished the road to the solution and put a nice level path to Erewhon in its place. To Utopia! To Nowhere! I have burnt the path to heaven once, and still pay for that sin. Now I've chosen to preserve our sinful existence, because for some, perhaps for all us mortal fools, there is no other way for our choice to have meaning, the choice between right and wrong that is central to existence.
    But this reasoning was invented after the fact, after my choice was made. I promised two reasons I'd not join Walden Two. And to be honest, my true reason is simple and selfish: love.
    I am not willing to limit my love to those who accept the Society, the Community, if you prefer. I am an artist AND a philosopher. Through the one, the other can reach many, and don't tell me for a moment that Dr. Fendt's pretending to be some character in order to prove a point isn't art! Don't tell me that immensely awful imitation of a Nazi to prove that culture doesn't dictate morality as to settle the question of whether there are times it's good to lie -- don't tell me that's not art!
    And while I sit and try frantically to find the hole in this logic I feel certain must exist, I wonder that art may be the most powerful vessel through which any philosophy -- good or bad -- takes root. I know Plato would have agreed, at least insofar as it is understood that anything can be art. But to work with a specifically artistic intend, what does this truly mean, but to express a philosophy through your labor? A mathematical philosophy on the beauty of an arch, or a philosophy on the rightness of good craftsmanship? And what about the philosophy of the poor craftsman, that speed and saved effort is more important than quality? Indeed, one might think that the totality of human endeavor falls under the scope of this love of wisdom! But why not? After all, what man could be considered more loving of wisdom, more philosophical, that a man who wishes to know all things?
    But let's not drop our digression with that trite generalization. Wisdom is not simply knowledge after all. Since a man can spend his life learning and still not be wise, then clearly he must have some discretion in choosing the most important subjects, since the wise man can recognize that he cannot know everything. Ethics strike me as an essential question, a difficult and universal one. Indeed, 'the right thing to do' seems to be a central theme in the modern study of philosophy, and I could scarcely contend that this is in error. If one is to love wisdom, after all, it helps to recognize that one 'should' love wisdom. Inextricably connected to Ethics is Politics, though the relationship seems a parasitic one; Ethics is clearly not dependent on the state, but while the state sometimes ignores Ethics, it usually at least makes some attempt toward the appearance of an ethical basis. Politics in its purest form can be seen as an extension of pure and abstract ethical principles to concrete applications governing behavior and social interaction at all levels. Of course, for a more realistic application of the form, we may simply remove the words "pure and abstract" and indicate that supposedly politics have no place in certain aspects of life, even though it cannot be denied that policy of some sort must govern them, even if it is a policy of non-interference, or not an official one. Politics, if it is to have any meaning, must mean the governance of people on all levels. To draw any more precise distinctions is then to invent subdivisions of politics, some of which are not popularly considered politics at all. In layman's terms, politics would be how to treat other people, if so defined.
    A bit broader than government, but we must govern ourselves if we are to have any contact with others. Which leads me fat, perhaps not too far, from my original discussion. But then, you can go home again so long as you recognize that home is a place you have never been, right? So in that spirit, a parallel cycle, a spiral if you will, has brought me full circle to a different location. In three dimensions, friends, cycles become profound.
    This story reminded me of an interest I took in "God's Kingdom" after those Jehovah's Witnesses dropped off their literature. I'm sure I spoke a bit on the literature, but I suspect I skirted the issue of the Kingdom itself, one central to the religion and, therefore, my rejection of it. I suspect there are those who disagree with me, and strongly. I'll deal with that as it comes.
    "The Kingdom is among you", he said. And I think they took it too literally and not enough. They say that this means Jesus was among them, and where he is, so is the Kingdom. I'm loath to admit, especially to old friends, that I have become a man of some faith and, while I have not read The Bible, I admit to having formed some strong and fairly excitable opinions on the matter. Yes, it is in people's hearts, and yes, it is also a real government! These ideas, in fact, do not contradict. For the most important government is how we govern ourselves and that government exists here now, in the hearts (and outwardly in the actions) of every person who is governing themselves by the will of heaven. But what is that will? Are we to trust the words of corruptible men from thousands of years ago?
    Why should a divine government need leadership anyway? Why, could it be anything but anarchy itself? It is the only other way, the one I spoke of to make democracy work! The ONLY way to perfect human behavior is for each person to rightly govern themselves!
    And it'll never happen, and yet here and there, for fleeting moments in eternity, it does exist, it has existed on Earth, because the most important thing Jesus did was to bring the mercy of God to Man, and it is a miracle that can be repeated by any man, woman and child on this Earth. I suspect before this sacrifice, though, that it wasn't so. But no matter what you say, if he was God or just his son, he was a man, a mortal, a human being, or else he would never cry in terror at his death. He was not all-wise, all-knowing, he was all-human, and that made it an important sacrifice, for God to finally have a view of the lot of the mortal and to come to pity him. Now then, is it any wonder He's so mellow in the new testament? It's a cultural experiment. He got what he needed to know, and maybe even more than he bargained for. And then he left us alone.
    This is consistent with my own religious experience, something I'm often reluctant to talk about. I almost destroyed reality. I identified with God. As in "I am the unutterable ********" and it was so. But God gains nothing by having the part of Him that was me become simply Him. While I held onto myself by the barest thread, I saw the universe trying to tear away, and I knew, I simply KNEW the lie of existence. But I was also Him, infinite patience and love, knowing that I was foolish, and why, and not even slightly resenting it.
    I feared -- that part of me that still was dissolved into a hopeless fear that nothing was true -- that with everything threatening to become null that He wasn't real; He'd never existed even though the proof stood before me: that I had identified with Him and gained the wisdom of the universe and by the very act of understanding it made it cease to exist.
    Why, then? I was afraid, because it was all that remained of me, the shell of fear that had surrounded my true nature. And he remade me, and left no doubt in my mind of His perfect memory, and the love with which he cared for me through such a terrible mistake. He knew precisely what I had been, and so remade me, exactly as I had been, and yet as if to secure my continued existence he made one change. Even though I had just seen that existence was a lie, I believed in it, then, more strongly than at any other time in my life. I believed in the solidity of things around me, though I knew them to be fake. Somehow, after that day, everything became more real.
    I think the reason why is clear. If I had to degrade the Lord by putting it into words, I'd say He told me, "You are on this world for a reason, Ben, and I would see you complete it."
    As far as a citation of Magical principles, I'd say it helped that it was around midnight, there was a rather profound thunderstorm about, I was clear-headed after a good day's work, and I had been making a series of increasingly lofty Identifications leading up to it, going from the physical properties of the storm to what it represented in the most potent aspects (i.e. lightning as the sword of Heaven bringing judgment and so forth).
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Prison Reform? [Apr. 1st, 2008|07:54 pm]
3/4/2008
    I've been reading a lot of good books lately. I actually have some basis for the unconstitutionality of my punishment, but it's a big issue, and one that I doubt I can win, though the law seems clear. If a prison inevitably renders inmates more sociopathic and less able to cope with regular society than they were previously, it is cruel and unusual punishment. The book mentions the 8th Amendment in this context, therefore I'd assume that's where the cruel and unusual punishment clause is. If that's the case, I have an even stronger case that the restriction of the use of the internet is, in this day and age, cruel and unusual punishment. You know, standards of a growing society and all that. But I expect that restriction, if it comes at all, will be the jurisdiction of the parole board.
    The larger issue, though, has to do with being in prison at all. I'm loath to bring it up in court though. Yes, it would be right, but it would be too radical. The precedent it would set would shatter much of the foundations of the prison system itself. In short, the argument takes "James vs. Wallace" as a starting point and says that it needn't apply to the prison population as a whole, but rather if there is any one  prisoner for whom it is true, then that individual suffers cruel and unusual punishment.
    I may not become very sociopathic but, certainly, any significant stay will make me more so, inevitably. It seems, too, that I can't help but become more poorly-adjusted the longer I stay. Therefore, for me, PRISON ITSELF is cruel and unusual punishment.
    Let me clarify. I'll be able to readjust. I have too much to live for to let my life be destroyed. After all, I worked hard to get into a strong moral position. But out there, I'd have continued bettering myself. Coming to prison ... it's done good and bad for me. Continuing to keep me here can only wear on that stable condition I worked to create. Sure, it's due to lack of sleep, but I already said I was growing more emotional here. and what about what's not due to lack of sleep? What about the lack of social contact with the outside? I lose a lot not being immersed in it, and this place can only be counterproductive. I'm strong, sure, strong enough not to degrade very far. But I could have done better outside. Now going here's given me a sense that the injustice of the system deserves my attention, but with little else to focus on here, I'm getting to the point where its a focus of obsession -- obsession I was learning to control on the outside. There, it's an advantage at times.
    But the really serious part of this is the precedent. It would mean that jail is wrong in any case when it worsens the inmate, that we cannot jail people under those circumstances. Indeed, I'm sure many people would fear that this might become a means of escape, as many viewed the mental health defense that institutionalized many guilty persons. But if I could become a better man outside, and may well become a worse one here, even if not much worse, then isn't it better for both myself and for society for me to be free? Isn't it in fact better for any person for whom the same is true?
    If this occurred, it would set a precedent that would require legally that many people be released who otherwise would not be. I can understand that this might frighten some people. There is the danger of misdiagnosis, but this is a danger that is already present in every level of our heavily doctored society. The fact remains that, no matter how we reform our prisons, there are many cases in which prison itself is detrimental to society. I 'does' have a place in those who are not harmed bvy it, bvut for a young man like me who was just putting his life together, it's nearly destroyed my life, and only clever foresight that I'd argue is unusual for my age has kept me from total ruin. I am still unsure I will be able to deal with the student loans that, now that I have been prevented from returning to school, will be coming due long before my release. Prisoners forego certain rights for the time of their interment, but I believe we are guaranteed a chance of life, liberty, and all that stuff when we are free. What kind of liberty do I have as a former felon, a registered sex offender, working the rest of my life to get out of debt? Am I to be a peon for the rest of my life? But then, there is bankruptcy. I'm creative enough I could figure something out. Still, it's a major setback and, now that I have the motivation to do something great with my life,, I'm afraid I might never have the means. I'm also worried that suddenly being free will drain away all the motivation I've gained here, and it'll be difficult to apply my own will when I really only accomplish things here because I have to. Really, I think this place has capped my will by giving it next to nothing to apply to. With so few places to apply it, it's channeled into the few things I can, which lends itself to obsession I'll have to be vigilant for. the biggest problem with this is that recognizing it does not make me immune to it. It only means I can make a conscious effort to the contrary.
    Lest I be seen to be ignoring the flaws with this idea, I know they exist. Funding is the greatest [flaw]. It would free prisons, but costs would ultimately increase, I expect. Plus the state is scarcely interested in fewer prisons. Prisons make money at the cost of the federal government. But as prisons can be somewhat of a step backward in the real of societal reform, is building more of them to make money something we want to promote as a society? Is money made at the cost of the government, of the larger government, is it really an advantage to take from everyone?
    I know, too, that there is a much more grave issue that could result from this, which I've forgotten. Until I can remember it, I'm loath to develop the idea further.
    So I'm still coming up with game ideas. I've got a good story going now, code-named Melodic Dragon, about the aftermath of a decision to give the world to humanity, and about the song that was used to bind the dragons to natural phenomena. Not everyone has the pipes to sing it.v I'm still pondering just how closely music will work into this game, and I know it'll take the form of multiple scenarios that can be taken out of order. Each scenario has a different character in the lead. So far, I have a wandering fencer-thief-pirate who's chasing after his stolen sword, a golem that represents humanity's servitude-- who's chasing after the same sword to destroy it, a sorceress who's chasing the guy who stole the sword, a ninja outcast Genie with strange powers -- who's just generally after pirates, a mysterious wanderer who likes a soulful fuh[?] -- who I haven't worked to much of the story around yet, and a lost musician.
    Also, may be a fuh[?], overpowered story about the divine creation that first sang the song agers ago. Counting him, that's 3 vocalists, and everyone else has an instrument. The exception is the ninja, whose musical bits will be to align with the music of the surroundings rather than creating it himself. The invention of these characters and the story that brings them together has occupied a lot of my time the past few days. Originally, it was just the fencer, then when it got to the sorceress, I wanted to give her some personality, and her back-story ended up being the beginning of what ended up being the main story arc, the overreaching plot of the game. Character's scenarios overlap somewhat but they do NOT start and end at the same times. The golem's story ends, for example, with the destruction of the sword and his transformation by capturing the thief. The sorceress' story starts around the same time but ends with her confronting the transformed golem to free him.
    NO SCENARIOS CONTRADICT; that is, putting them all together they should create a cohesive story. None of this happening differently with different heroes, on levels between playables that the player always has to win, but don't affect the story. There is one story, and you only get the whole story by playing all of them.
    My stories have had this sort of peculiar inspiration to them lately. Take the purification game, where demonic equipment is purified through use, but NOT purifying it can be a quick route to power. If you don't care about the people you're supposed to be protecting, you can just let it overwhelm you, but expect the demon 'arman' to be making most of your social (sociopathic) decisions for you in that case. Removing cursed gear that has grown strong enough to override your will to take it off can probably be done at a church, where it'll likely take a permanent hit to power. Let it go too far and you might wake up one morning next to a burning church, laughing like a maniac. Just wake up like that. But you have to let it get several times stronger than you for that kind of thing to happen. To begin with, it'll probably just start with you -- attempting to get the first strike uncontrollably, and minor color blindness. After a while it'd be nice to throw in visions of your death of of you committing atrocities -- just in the middle of combat, your enemy changes to a person for a moment, stuff like that.
    Bah. If I go there, it's gonna end up being Mature, huh? Oh well, it might be best not to go too far into the dark side, lest the other be ignored completely. I'm sure the aspect of community would be stronger on such a path so I'll think on that. But 'dark' has to be tempting, easy, tricky. Easy to fall into, difficult to get power from without falling prey to. I already have mechanisms in mind for that.
    Well, I'm running low on paper and I'm left with only one envelope. I might mail of this with the previous batch of entries I didn't send yet ... the first one still hasn't been posted, I know. It's OK though. Things aren't as urgent to get out there without the appeal. Besides, I've probably reconsidered some of the things I said back then anyway.
    Stuff about Abby, well, that king of thing, you know how it is. I still miss her but you have to forget about these things if you're gonna go on living. Even I can't be a hopeless romantic. Every now and then, I'm sure it'll com back to me, just to keep the hope alive, but I generally get through the day by not remembering her. I am passionate about it at times, but stuff like that just doesn't come to mind often.
    I do remember, not that I'm thinking about it, something I realized just a little before I heard she wasn't talking to me anymore. That girl has always stood apart from everyone else. Even when I didn't like her so much, it was a different dislike; it was uniquely for her. And there was a time I didn't really like her. I'm sure most of us felt the same way ... about most of us. But we both grew a lot, and I admit is wasn't just the two of us -- but maybe the two of us had more growing up to do than the rest.
    Anyhow, tell MIchaela I said hi. I got a nice letter from my Dad partway through this, and I'd love to get something from all my friends from Kearney.
    Love ya all,
    --Ben

"Well, yes, I was afraid. I was afraid of you. Not of making a mistake. I knew it wasn't a mistake. But you were ... yourself. You aren't like most people, you know. I was afraid of you because I knew you were my equal."
    --Takven, "The Dispossessed" by  Ursula K. Le Guin
        A good book about anarchy.
   
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They'll make a rebel out of me yet [Mar. 5th, 2008|10:49 pm]
3/1/2008
    Whew. I've been emotional lately. Looking back, I've been either upset at the injustice or on the verge of tears for want of a hug. I've acted stupidly and emotionally. not all the time, mind; just now and then, and enough that it really bothers me. I feel stupid sometimes, even though I know, and others agree, that it's a matter of ignorance, not stupidity.
    Case in point: I don't thing I'm going to appeal. I wasn't really sure what it entailed to begin with. If I can't present new arguments, it's useless. I still want support. I still want a petition going around saying, "We, the undersigned, believe Ben Ellingson should be released from prison for his own good and for the good of society." I don't mind if I don't get many signatures. I want it union, I want it passed around Ainsworth, because I'm immensely selfish like that. I'll write the press for it if you need. Maybe I can try to get one of my statements in the papers. If nothing else, such support will help me down the line, when I'm up for parole. You might be surprised how many signatures you can get in 3 years.
    You guys know, or should know, I'm secretly very vain. I doubt I've kept the secret well. I want to be famous. I'm finally starting, little by little, to tackle this problem from a broader perspective than my own freedom. I used to have things to say, but I was too afraid to get caught to say them. Well, I'm news now. I'm gonna make some noise. maybe even try for  a column. Think about it: Professional writing! It's worth a try. I can't understand why I never did before. But as long as I have publicity, I can try to use it to be heard. I have something to say. This is just another wish granted.
    I might as well start with the old. I thought about these things as a teen, but like so many things, they were buried in Ainsworth. I said somethings then I now disagree with though. This is edited to reflect a bit more wisdom ... but not as much as you might think. UNK friends, this come from before I knew you.
    There is a thorny subject I've been avoiding. I'm through with that. Morally ambiguous territory can and does come up in our choices, and without forethought, it leads to morally ambiguous decisions. Most everything I said about young girls back then applies to just kids, in general, and I know I'm not the first to cover some of this ground. I had an obsession with young girls when I was younger. Believe it or not, it not that unusual. No matter how our Victorian relics of sensibility are offended by it, people can and do develop sexuality from a very young age. I agree to some extent with the philosophy of Nudist, who claim it is ridiculous to made the body out to be dirty, that it leads to problems with self-image to think that something that EVERYONE has is dirty, that it sexualizes things, over-sexualizes them by trying to hide everything, then associating all other hidden or 'dirty' thing with something as natural and good, if often dangerous, simply because of it power as sex. When Nudist claim sex crime is lower there, I believe them. I, however, enjoy some of the 'over-sexualization.' I think a bit of mystery is fun, when not taken too far as it is in American Society. In few other countries is sex such a taboo subject, and in few other countries is it such a problem. I am honestly a victim of this culture's repression and, like many, I couldn't stand it and resorted to deviance. I do believe small children should be protected from it, because it's a terrible subject sometimes, and not nearly as simple as pornography makes it seem. But why are we squeamish about some things more than others? Since pornography is such a terrible source of information, doesn't that obligate us to help our children understand it at some point? To check carefully on the misinformation they've absorbed, and to be open about what it is, what must be part of our lives, since apparently the human race is not suffering a population decline? It happens, and it is an important part of life. So why are we so confused and embarrassed about it?!
    One of the reasons is fairly simple, and also fairly legitimate. Sex is typically a private thing. In it greatest form, it is an act that is shared by two people who separate themselves, briefly, from the world as they connect profoundly with each other -- to put as romantically as possible. This, of course, admits some inaccuracy, but my readers, you should be able to tell what I'm getting at. annihilating yourself is not something you want to do without somebody you trust on the other end. Sharing that openly is a vulnerability that I, for one, would not be willing to admit. Still, we owe our children, all of them, some explanation about a thing that is necessarily central to life: its creation.
    The exact nature of that explanation is something I expect will never be agreed upon. I suspect I'll take a more open line than most, but I am also glad that there was a period when I didn't know. The whole thing's too much of a mess for kids who haven't developed any sex drive to be burdened with. But adolescence comes sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes sneaks up on you, and the harsh reality is that we start feeling it earlier than many would like to admit. Ignoring it doesn't help. You an tell me it's wrong to lust after a girl in her early teens, but you can't tell me it's not natural. I thought we proved that 'natural' doesn't mean 'right' with social Darwinism. This is basically and extension of the  ... natural ... drive to classify thing we hate as unnatural. Since having sex with such young children tends to cause problems in modern society, we develop a strong taboo against it, reinforced by a Victorian obsession with the 'innocence' of childhood. Sit next to an obnoxious child for a few hours, watch them steal and lie blatantly about it, and that image should disappear fairly quickly. However, the taboo is of such strength that we want to justify its status, and in the minds of many people, the natural order is a very profound thing. Thus, while men married twelve-year-olds in the middle ages if hey pleased, now it's considered unnatural.
    This is not productive. Forbid something and those so inclined, or unable to go against the forbidden thing, will be inclined to simply consider themselves immoral or flawed and allow themselves other forbidden indulgences. Now, it's a newer par of my theory that follows here. Girls develop sexual characteristics will before they're of legal age. It only makes sense that men would be attracted to them. An I could go on about how physically ready doesn't mean it's a good idea.
    It's pretty clear that to a certain extent, older women are simply more capable in all respects. It would make sense, then, and seems to hold true that a mature woman is more desirable than a 12-year-old. However, mature can mean many different things to different people. Obviously, physically, youth is considered a desirable trait, at least once maturity of whatever minimum level the individual demands is met. Plenty of men have eagerly awaited a girl's 18th birthday, after all. Obviously, she was attractive some time before that. She has been 'physically' mature for some time. Naturally, a young guy is not likely to be considering much more than that, no matter how noble he may think himself.
    I had a particularly nasty problem in that I really never had much contact with women and girls. Mom died when I was 5 and I never had any sisters. I suspect every boy goes through a time when he has a hard time looking at the person behind the boobs, but mine probably lasted a bit long. I'd never known them. Entertainment media tended to focus on the boobs, and female characters were often similar. It was very easy to treat them a sex objects. Since hey weren't real, there wasn't guilt. I had little enough contact with real women, so maybe that image had an impact. It was a long time before I could think of person and feminine as the same thing; it seemed like I could only treat someone like one or the other but not both. I managed to treat women like people insofar as I managed to forget they were women.
    Maybe I'll have to start all over again when I get out... it's a sad thing, since there are only men here. A few female guards, most of which seem to resent the job. Nothing significant. Women have always been terribly mysterious to me. So I tend to take things too far, maybe get a little too personal in trying to understand them. I'll always be a little sexist, I think. I could call it chivalry but, one way or another, it's preferential treatment, not matter how benign. No matter how much we strive for equality, NOBODY is equal; people are different and, yes, men and women are not the same, not mentally or physically, no matter how much we try to deny it for the sake of equality.
Everyone may have equal rights, but ignoring fundamental differences is just unhealthy. It's actually a lot more likely to end up in the repression of one or the other, y'know.
    That's enough for tonight. Let's just chat now. I was musing on the nature of infatuation. I found myself a little more attracted to this guy and, with detached (disinterested) wonder, I pondered whether it was wanting to like somebody that made you infatuated with them, or not wanting to like them that did it. Or maybe it's just thinking about infatuation? Then I realized it's probably just the fact that I realize he has an aesthetic sense, and that's major points in my book. I haven't really felt anything since. I never really wanted to. I wouldn't be able to stand him on the outside. His art gives off a frankly evil vibe, anyhow.
    I was thinking of asking the Religious Coordinator if I could carry a small bell. I think it would help out around here. All I'd need is a key ring, and there won't be nearly the restriction on what I can have at the next facility. I might even be able to get my own bell from Dan. It would be most effective and is innocuous enough. I think things might be a little nicer with that around. But that's something probably best coordinated, after I move, with management at the next facility.
    Well... I really wanna hear from you all, and I probably will by the time this is published. I can't pretend to be perfectly stoic all the time; I miss you guys. I have for a while now.
    They're locking down. I'm gonna get some sleep.
    Love all, hugs and good night
        --Ben
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Delayed from Prison, Part 3 [Mar. 4th, 2008|09:21 pm]
2/28/2008
    I know I thought I'd be done last night, and I'm running out of paper, so I'll try to keep it short. I'm feeling better this morning. But then, I walk the Golden Road to Heaven, littered with gold and green ... oh. Right. That was from the part I didn't publish.
    Is it time? Is it really time to tell you all that? That the story is about me? That I challenged Heaven and defeated myself?
    I still dream about the sword, the cursed sword that divides truth from lies, but does not let man discern them. I've looked into the dark stone of its pommel and I know that from that terrible darkness comes the greatest light, The Hope of Victory. I know that I've learned a great deal from my folly, and I'm eager to see what others learned. I will tell you know, I hope those I asked to read it did so. A great deal can be learned, and it was not easy in the least to channel that wretch, so please try to appreciate it. I worked hard to let as little of my modern bias cloud the tale as I could. That man is not me; he became me. I understand now something I was told: I've seen evil, experienced it, been it, and I chose good. I'm not going back on that choice.
    Be it the hope of victory, the all-consuming emptiness, the unjust judge, or a stupid, brilliant, lovesick man, maybe by the time the story's through you'll know who I am, and just maybe, if you followed my Golden Road to Heaven closely enough, you'll taste that heaven on my tongue, and see my failure -- and my triumph -- through my eyes.
    The answer was unity. You figure out the next puzzle on your own.
--Ben
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Delayed from Prison, Part II [Mar. 3rd, 2008|08:47 pm]
2/27/2008
Ah, to be woken up too early for breakfast. At least it was a good one, hash browns and eggs and sausage and a couple of tortillas so we could break all that stuff up and make ourselves breakfast burritos. I'm a good ways into a terrible, painful book called, "The Tangled Lands", right now. Oh, oh no, Kevin's pining over Janny doesn't remind me of anything. Loser. and the fantasy about a realistic persistent MMO with an embedded flaw is fair to middling. In all, it's not as bad as "Deadline Y2K."

I read a book called "The Godwhale." Yeah. Science fiction. Actually very good. "The Hive" is silly. More recently, I finished "A Decade of Fantasy and Science Fiction." The last story was probably the best, actually. I should check on the author's name before I take it back.

O, I'll be going for the last of the 3 extra blood pressure checks today. Probably won't get time for a morning shower because of it. That's life around here. Barely enough laundry to change clothes every other day, can't count on a shower, never know when they'll drag you off for medical or psych or yard or gym... ah, sounds like we've got yard today. I thing A-side's going first, though. Maybe I will get my shower after all.

Ah ... yard. Reminds me of a story when I'm walking under the razor wire. Miyamoto Musushi was the honored guest of Oaimyou who wanted to show off his elite. Musashi, walking through the corridor of guards, stopped in front of one whose eyes he liked. Musashi drew his sword on the man, and there was no reaction. Held the sword to his throat, still the eyes stared straight at him. Finally, Masushi sheathed his sword and asked the lowly soldier, "Why do you not fear death?" The guard told him, "Every night I hang a sword above my bed, held only by a thread. Every morning I awake to stare death in the face, and so I do not fear death."

The story goes on, Musashi: telling the Daimyou to promote this man, who becomes one of his finest warriors. Walking under the razor wire, I wonder if it has ever fallen, and as I stare at death, I wonder if it still frightens me. I think I have so little choice here, that fear has no meaning. I already have a guy who wants me dead. He starts shit, I can hold out, and it just gets bad for him. He doesn't live near me anyhow. I'm not about to show mercy for someone who attacks me as though my crime is worse than his. I will mercilessly fight on the defensive until reinforcements arrive, and I cannot feel for the man who gets punished for threatening me thus. I don't see why I should care if he calls me unmanly, because he already thinks so anyway.

On that note, I hate Asthma. any time I suck in enough cold air ... on of he older guys wanted me to go jogging with him at yard, and I thought it's be good for my hear, but sucking in the cold air ... bleh. Light-headed for half an hour, coughing for half a day. I should've remembered my asthma, if that's really what it is. But it feels like it, the light-headedness is a matter of it being hard to breathe, and then of my heart taking its sweet time getting oxygen back around. I'm so sleepy ... somebody tell my ex I love her ....

Ok. Little more awake now. The weird thing is, I know a guy here, not very well, I'm not gay but I swear there's the barest hint of a crush. If I were a woman, I'd probably be outright attracted to him. As it is, he's attractive for a guy. It's all delightfully shallow, but he's funny. For some reason, I don't mind the things I used to think were crude. I can see how he'd get a lot of action. He barely notices me but he's friendly. I'd do well to include at least a little of the prototype of this entry before I toss it. There are times I'm worried about how I'll adjust to life outside of prison again. I'm not the man I used to be, though I'm still myself. I was worried I'd lost myself, to hide in prudent silence that goes against my nature, to choose between life and spirit again: To go against the nature I worked so hard to build, while virtue lies buried in dust and moss, untended in the elements; I feared I would lose the self I'd only just found.

It's true, my memories are those of a man long dead. But from that life, great gifts have been left to me, and so I cannot call it a waste after all. It grows harder to escape the grip of this place the longer I stay, but I will return to my home, to my life, or at least its foundations and I will return to love, for not even death can break it. I said I'd wait until my next life if I must. So now that it has, in a sense, arrived, I wonder what it shall be.

OMGZ I'm still sleepy. I'll finish this later.

Good food today ... but boring. I've been tired all the while. Tuna salad, too much celery, still nummy. Been ...hm. Not that's still a secret isn't it. But I've been following after the Golden Road lately. Always more to discover. It makes me want to write a song about it. My last letter to my dad was a full page, and it all rhymed without sacrificing content, though the meter changed frequently. Maybe I am going crazy, but I thought it was brilliant. I do hope to hear back from him soon. From everyone.

Calling, calling ... send me your number if you want to be on my call list. It's collect unless I buy a phone card with money I don't have ... and no cell phones, can't call them. So written correspondence is probably best for a little while. Still, tell me now, it's 90 days between requests for new numbers to be added to my approved list. This and the visitation forms will be good until I'm out of prison, no matter where they transfer me, so don't be shy about asking me for one [form] for a visit that won't happen until later, OK?

Now for the bad news. My visiting hours suck. I don't know if they are different at the next institution but right now they are Friday and Sunday, 8:00-10:50 AM. Also, apparently, I'm allowed a total of one 3-hour visit per week. Call ahead I guess, eh? My dad will try to get in touch with people at my request so get his number and he can coordinate things. Remember, I like variety as much as you do.

Well... the stupid little book is growing on me. I'm starting to write one of my own but it needs a lot of work, not to mention direction. Since I'll probably try to get it published under a pseudonym, I imaging this is the last you'll hear about it here. I'm not sure what form it'll eventually take, how long it'll go or quite how it ends. I have some ideas for major dramatic points later on and a could of holes to fill. I'm probably going to need some help too, particularly with the girl... I haven't decided on their exact ages yet, either; so far it just 'teenager'. Probably early teens, since the main character is about as mature as I was around my early or maybe mid teens. He's actually patterned after my own memories.
^_^ The girl is a little harder. I'm scared of doing something either too flat and unrealistic (and believe me, it'd hurt to know that my female characters lack potency or realism after all I've been through), or else too much like Lunar 2.

There needs to be similar development but, if I can, I'd like to get more focus on the completed personality and, because of fear number 1 (the fear of what it'll say about my attitude toward women if I fail, a fear that's hamstrung my work for a long time), I'm gonna need help. It can't just be my fantasy romance scenario, I want her to have real personality and, above all, to think differently. I mean ... ever heard of David Eddings? You'll just have to look that one up yourself.

It's late. I don't want to end it. Right now, it feels like this entry, unfinished, leaves open a door. and that may not be far from the truth, too. I feel like I'm holding open a door to all the people I've lost, and when I sign and close this, all of you will be closed off from me. I want to go on. I want to keep everyone near. But I promise tonight I will finish. There will be other entries, for other nights. But just allow me something. since I can't sing it aloud, well, I've really just missed singing. Everything this emo is only said late, when I'm tired. Most of the things I've said that hurt people, heck maybe all of them were said when it gets late, and the walls come down, and I stop seeing that others don't feel the way I do.

You know what I want to sing?

"Oh my hero, you so far now
Will I ever see your smile?
Oh what shall I do? I'm lost without you,
So please, come see me once more..."

If I can't allow myself to tear up, to indulge in such stupid romanticism no and then, not matter where I am, in prison or outside, if I can't have this my spirit will die. so think not that I am ungrateful to the object of my affection, for giving my soul its chance to shine, even if only in the memory of when she shone herself.
Peace. Closed or open, the connections will never be broken.
--Benjamin V. Ellingson

Do you think me a monster for surviving your pain? For living, though you stabbed me through the heart?
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Written from prison a few days ago; it's Tuesday Afternoon. [Mar. 2nd, 2008|08:58 pm]
2/26/2008
Ahem. Not that days of the week matter too much here, but I thought I'd give y'all an idea of how things are going here. First off, I'd love to see everybody, but...well, I'm in Lincoln; I know it's far, and I'd have to send you a visitation form to fill out. I'm gonna get one of the envelopes they gave me here to check my current address, and I recommend your letters are typed 'cause this is just the evaluation center. I'm gonna be sent to a real prison sometime between now and my birthday, unless overcrowding or administrative difficulties hold me up.
...and of course there's the mandatory gym, but that's actually one of the highlights. So let me get my sore muscles back to the task here, eh? My Address:

Benjamin Ellingson, #67337 (use full name and inmate number)
P.O. Box 22800
Lincoln, NE 68542-2800

Looks like I just missed 2^16 by a couple thou, eh?
But that's my number. Well, I was gonna describe my life her, huh? I'll probably add more tomorrow as I'm looking for something to do.

The most noticeable -- or perhaps it's not noticeable but simply pervasive -- aspect of this place is a direct result of the nature of prisons: the lack of consequence. It just vanishes here. There is not cause and effect; everything is immediate; things just happen. You cannot plan; you just exist and roll with things. This is a direct result of the absence of any choice. There is no morality here because there is no choice. If you suffer, it is more often than not because you had the rotten luck to have a bad guard that day. It is almost never due to anything you've done. Heck, unless you seriously act out, almost nothing is a consequence of your own actions here. You just get herded around and find pleasure when you can, find rightness where you can, and silence to the rest.

That's not to say there aren't good things. I like a lot of the guys I've met and, surprisingly, many of the guards treat us like people to the extent of accidentally using respectful language or modes of address with us sometimes. It's like it slips out before they realize it's supposed to be an order. I've also had the good fortune of having the resident bitch corporal pointed out to me, but surrounding a really fairly minor abusive streak driven by frustration and insecurity, he can actually be amicable at time, particularly if you grant her more respect than she's due without making it sound phony. You now, like Tonga was. But worse and thankfully less shrewd. In neither case did I hold it against them because there's actually kind of an interesting person in there somewhere. but she's gone for the week, so eh, let me enjoy having a little paper wedge in my drinking fountain so it goes high enough for me to drink.

And that's really the worst part of prison. Going to the bathroom sucks. Sure, the windows are all narrow and have bad angles, but there's still people coming to check on you every who-knows-how-long at night. They never really want you to know what time it is here so I really don't know. My door's window has a view of the clock in the bubble (call it a barely-elevated indoor guard tower for each housing unit) but, apparently, you can't have contacts here and I can't see it unless I lean up against the glass -- something that some guards will tolerate, but others get squeamish about. So I generally avoid trying, because anything that makes my captors uneasy just seems like a good way to get my first write-up.

Breakfast seems to be toast, cereal picked from a random number generator, not enough butter, and some random other thing such as 'cream of wheat' (in which case I skip the butter on my bread and use the not-enough-jelly they provide). They're nice enough to give us sugar packets now and then, but I can't help thinking my diet's not great here. I'l spare you the details but lunch and supper are extremely random. Sometimes decent, sometimes pretty bad, but at least there's enough variety that well, if nothing else, you can get a roll on those days -- and, while I'm pretty sure it's against the rules, trading food occurs regularly in front of the guards. I had a nice roommate 'til yesterday. I found out he didn't care for cheese. Grilled cheese and tomato soup ... that was a good meal.

We go out on the yard every morning it's above 20 degrees, which is not often since I've been here. It's fun; we walk in circles, watch the guys (3-at-most) talking shit to each other as they idly throw around a basketball, or take turns taking shots with it, while at least half of the group will be huddling by the door, glad for the fresh air and conversation but wishing they were warm. I'm usually walking unless the one guy is telling an interesting story I want to hear, or the least-liked kid in the place is running his mouth off and getting verbally abused in return. Really, they leave him alone when he doesn't open his mouth, and nobody here's really violent in this housing unit. It's just when he gets sent to a real prison, there are almost sympathetic discussions of what's going to happen to him.

So I met my case manager, and I'm going to maximum security. I mean, I had 30 points, and 29+ is enough for community custody, but the 20-year maximum preempts that. If I didn't say it last time, here's the breakdown of my sentence: 20-years maximum, but they give you 6-mos of 'good time' credit for every year served, so my TRD (tentative release date) is in 10 years. Parole happens to be offered, or at least becomes possible after half of the minimum -- that being 3 years and 4 months in my case. I found out a little while ago, too, I can appeal a sentence w/o appealing my conviction, so I'm gonna see what I can do there. You can expect not to see me for a year either way because I don't think I'm gonna fight for my sentence to be eliminated completely.

OK. But while I'd like any statement on my character I can get, the rest is my problem. I may ask for a continuance or some such to collect that information so I'd appreciate prompt responses, eh? I've read the rule book and seen nothing so far to indicate that my public posting of my address is against the rules. Just don't send me stuff, except books. Pretty much anything else gets confiscated. They're not supposed to read letters without probable cause, tho, so I wouldn't worry too much. And if it's refused or I'm not here anymore, they'll usually give notice on the returned mail, and I'll be sure to make my new mailing address known when I do get moved.

So, my days have been full of a lot of reading and some interesting things. There was a guy screaming just now, for example. I had a nice roommate but he went to NSP yesterday. Got the room to myself for a little while, 'til they throw some other goof in with me. I've learned some card games, and I'd really like to sit down for a game with somebody when I get out. I'm still baffled by Spades but I'm great at King's Corner. Dummy's alright, Garbage is pure chance (though my 'celly' liked my alternative name, The Capitalist Power Structure), and Cribbage is still beyond me. Still ... I really like King's Corner. But then, I'm awesome at it.

Gym, the every-other-day-except-Sunday activity. In other words, we throw our belts (velcro belts!) and our boots on, get led down the hall to a basketball court with weight machines and benches lying around the perimeter, and do whatever we want to for a while. I've taken the opportunity to use the weight machines regularly, and I've already gotten noticeably stronger. There are times I think I should try to stay for a year just to see what kind of shape I can get in. My heart is appallingly weak, after all, and with what I learned about blood, it seems to me that as long as I have a weak heart, my power will be limited by it.

So after lifting weights, I've been walking around to keep my heart going for a while before succumbing to the lure of the radio, yes, the only radio I get to hear in those headphone jacks in one wall of the gym by the benches. Some go straight there. Most go for basketball, shirts vs. no-shirts. I usually cheer for the shirts. They have a lot of the people I like, plus shirts ... well ... I like what the shirts represent. No-shirts has people I like but is often populated by people I only kinda like, and people I wouldn't want as more than an acquaintance, and guys I can't understand. And there's the one guy who only speaks Spanish who's obsessed with me, but I think it's kinda cute how he keeps trying to talk with me when he knows we'll have no idea what the other is saying. He is persistent.

Anyhow, it's been weird, but interesting. Apparently, gay guys think I'm cute. It can only go up from here. Got my laundry back today so I can put on clean clothes tomorrow. Much more laundry getting done than in county. Sure it's cheap prisoner-made khakis and T-shirts, but it's nice enough compared to an orange jumpsuit.

Of course, I'm running out of notebook, and I'm getting tired, so I'll probably say more tomorrow. But hey, I can get an eye exam today ... and here it's free along with all sorts of immunizations. Pay for a hepatitis-B vaccine at UNK? Heck no! It's free in prison. They even give out the same information sheet. In maybe a week and a half, I get glasses to replace my contacts (taken on my first day) -- no charge. Stylish little silver ones, understand, shaped much like my last pair.

You know, I was hoping the lack of good vision would help improve my other sight. I showed some things to Abby once -- those innumerable little lights in the sky. I called them here. Freeloaders, or maybe pilgrims on a vigil -- who knows. They swarmed here, after we, with such force I saw not without trying -- for a time. Now it is certainly trying, and try I do, though it hurts my eyes lately. But I can still see them, and I'm thankful to the vigil keepers. But no, the sight does not improve on its own ... you still need to practice, and with my eyes hurting lately at every attempt, I'm thinking of giving it a rest for a while.
So, it's late. 'Til tomorrow.

--Ben
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Golden Road part 10? [Mar. 1st, 2008|06:16 pm]
2/21/2008
Ah, Durandal, the pen that lies in my very soul, it is no wonder I cannot break thee.
So I'm in prison. Hopefully I can get this sucker mailed out and get someone I trust to post it on my blog. So here's the scoop: I made some mistakes in this legal process. I kept silent with wonder at the urging of my Public defender, when I could have, should have spoken. I should have insisted my father be allowed to speak. The court is not a machine, and that man, that pretender, treated it as one. He told us that a statement from a father was expected ... that it wouldn't have much impact. But that court is not a machine so long as a man stands in judgment over others, so long as the judge is human. If that statement were expected, then imagine the impact of not making it.
There was the UNK Public Safety Report, still full of lies. I approached Tom Stewart early on about the evidence I had proving it blatantly false. He dismissed it, as with every defense I brought to him, as unimportant. He underestimated me and I allowed him to. The report ultimately proved to give the judge the impression that I was unstable and dangerous. I was not sentenced only for the crime I did commit, but for what I might do if left alone. Apparently, "innocent until proven guilty" has been replaced with "innocent until you might someday be guilty." As if, if that were true, prison would change anything.
Then there was the argument that most disappointed me. It was explained to me condescendingly by the judge. The prosecution gave me the horror of representing an entire ill-defined class of people. "If not for the Ben Ellingsons of the World," he said, there would be no market for child porn. They never realized I had come to the same conclusion when I was 15, and taken it a step farther: I understood the supply and demand argument of guilt, and so I became a thief. Thieves who don't share don't create demand. They only diminish supply. Bolstered, I was, by every CP poster who left in a huff, swearing never to post again because of "damned leachers." It was almost like a public service: my effect was actually slightly the opposite of what the prosecution suggested. But the judge apparently uncertain how else to classify my crime as immoral, followed it.
I don't blame him; it was not until I had been at it for over 8 years that I understood clearly why it was wrong, an answer I had been searching for from the beginning. I'm going to be frank.
It was a video of a young girl, masturbating, nobody interfering with her. Just watching. And it was wrong. Not what she was doing, no, not even as young as she was. I knew it was wrong because I did the same thing at her age. It was wrong for the same reason it would be wrong for someone to spy on me. It's private. We have no right to intrude. I finally had my answer; I wouldn't be like all the next, rejecting child pornography out of pure cultural indignation. I had found a reason. I had taken it, measured it at its most innocent, and morally, found it wanting. But my mistake, my sin, is valueless if I do not share this with the world.
I found, near the end, a major source, from which I found this video. I went then stopped. They are prolific, at least semi-permanent, and unbothered by leeching. I have yet to hear of any arrests, of anything done in response. I deleted the video as soon as I'd finished watching it, feeling physically ill. How, in the face of this, the prosecution, can I claim I have any interest in this material, I cannot understand. How, after I refused to, "review the evidence," a sickening intrusion on children's privacy in carrying on themselves in my own sin, they can claim that I would be a danger to children, children I've been around all my life, who I've never touched, never WANTED to touch, in the 8-10 years since I first found child pornography. Still, no one will believe. No one wants to understand.
Write for me, friends. It's public information. Write to the judge. Write about my character; write about your nonexistent fear of me. I am asking friends, family, to stand with me in this. Let us be an array of writers and brandish the pen in the name of Truth. Without you, without you guys I don't know if I can do it. But pleas... get the transcripts, or PLS, just write and show your support.
You can make a difference. I still have legal options open to me. So, if you have any love of me, then please speak on my behalf. Let them know that Ben Ellingson has value in this world beyond himself.
But, my friends, as much as I want to be a revolutionary, I won't have any hatred. The judge was given information both misleading and false; having nothing to counter it, he made the best decision he could. A singular lack of support has doomed me, and I am the one who foolishly insisted on faring it myself, and like a hypocrite, allowed myself to be inched aside. There was testimony, of sorts, background information really, that made me seem unstable, even dangerous. When I heard they were still hun up on the UNK 'report', if such a string of lies can be called one, I blamed Abby at first. After all, it was her testimony that runs most against me. The funny thing is I never even lied. I actually never said those things. I played them, got them to suggest what I might have done themselves, and let them believe what they wanted. I didn't do it, and I didn't say I did it either. So how is it accepted as part of my background?
Of course, it hurt. But while a part of it is her fault, it's a small part, and the truth is I still love Abby more than I let on. Really ... the fact that she's ignoring the real me, living in a fantasy, just like the time she told them those things is what really hurts. You want to know how I really feel? Let me tell you what I miss most as I sit in prison now. Of thing, I miss Witch Hazel. No freaking after-shave in this joint. Too much alcohol. Of people, though, I miss none more than Abby. I miss the woman who lit up my life. I miss the woman I used to be such close friends with; we could talk all night and still not be done. I miss being able to see her, to look her in the eyes when I want to say something important. I miss the friend who taught me that the first things I ever knew I wanted in a woman has always been the most important, no matter how long I forget about it, because I miss the one woman who is smart enough, unique enough, to give me a run for my money, to push me to my limits just to keep up with her. I miss the woman who might have understood that I try to charm her because I know how wonderful it feels to be charmed.
And yes... I even miss the woman who is sometimes insecure, though she tries to be so strong. I miss the eccentric artist, whose tastes I don't always agree with, who's too shy to let the world see her real talent, and sometimes doubts she even has it. I miss the paradox of innocence and wit. I miss the empath who can see and feel and identify like I never could. I miss that girl who just can't keep a commitment, who breaks her promises, who wishes deep down she didn't, but who sees it, in a way as a part of who she is. I miss her fantastically bad attempts to look attractive, and how truly beautiful she looks when she's not trying. I miss the insecurities she won't admit to herself, and I miss her stability, how she never let me get carried away. I miss her criticism of my arguments, of my behavior, everything. I miss the only woman I've truly love everything she is, not what I want her to be.
I could go on. I knew deep down, I hadn't really forgotten. I can't deny it anymore. She is my love.

I don't want anyone to cry for me, no matter what happens. My life isn't over; I won't go quietly into the night. For life, for love, for ourselves, press on.

Benjamin Victor Ellingson
The Man who walks the Golden Road
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(no subject) [Feb. 13th, 2008|06:59 pm]
OMG nobody understands me!

Yes, it's true, though I probably shouldn't argue anything because I seem to be VERY out of it right now. It's probably because I stayed up so late waiting for Aaron to call me back, but argh! I can't seem to focus a whole lot. So this might be a little weird.

In any case, I'm always surprised by some of the reactions I get, especially the upset ones. Very few things written in the last month have a very somber tone to them. I wonder if people would respond to them differently if they were spoken, if they could hear that tone, but I don't think there's any way to carry it. But I've actually been doing great lately, I just have the miraculous power to complain when things are going fine. Part of it is I feel like I've discovered some of the secrets of life, and I think people should let go more, enjoy life like I am. I mean, yes, people have tons of work and I got pretty bad grades in college in every subject I wasn't majoring in. Oh well. It was worth it. Though...I guarantee my next round in college will see a bit more work put into it. Still, even when I was trying to catch up I don't think I ever went a month without being able to see someone. It's tough, yes. Believe it or not, I'm not actually expecting other people to follow that example, for a couple of reasons.

Here I go explaining myself when I just explained why it's a terrible idea. Oh well, no sense stopping now. First off, you people are not me. What works for me is not what works for you. I'd like to suggest trying it, but when people are less busy. When people NEVER stop being busy...I think that indicates you have a problem. May not be a problem you can solve until the end of the semester, though. College -is- tough to get the hang of, I can vouch for that.

Another reason, which is closely related to the first, is that I suspect I tended to take fewer hours than most. I can't understand people who want to get out of college in a hurry. I understand those that NEED to (you know who you are), but...eh. I can't see how taking a ton of hours all at once is a good thing. I admit, though, there are just some classes. I'd have a hard time passing chemistry unless it was my only class.

So, the main reason is that I actually understand that it's insanely difficult sometimes. In case you forgot, I was there. It's something I'd rather you didn't forget. I do have some experience with things, believe it or not! And I'd love to be consulted more often. You might be surprised what I can help with, if indirectly.

Then again, I've been taking this break to devote myself to some of the most important questions, and it's done me quite a lot of good. I'd almost recommend failing out of college if it weren't so bloody hard to get back in. It's actually fairly helpful to fail, and be given a chance to step outside and time to think when you do. Heck, I learned more in the philosophy classes I failed than in anything else I've taken, right? But I even know how to approach them now so that I won't fail again. And please...this rant has fairly well diverged from everyone else and has become introspective, so PLEASE don't think anything in the last paragraph is a veiled comment or anything. I'm tired...I'm just trying to cover all the bases.

Funny thing is I don't feel tired. But I just can't...stop...talking...and that's a sure sign. Plus I ran a red light on the way here, so maybe I'd better get back, huh?

Laters people. I really didn't mean any offense.
-Ben

Remember that power exists when truth is master. So what exists when you master truth?
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The Golden Road part 9 [Feb. 13th, 2008|06:48 pm]
Behold the blessed darkness, within it all life grows. It flourishes so sweetly, a shadow in its midst unseen, and look! It burns. O heavenly shadow, what troubles thee? The flames that lick thee are thine, born of thy own shadow, the shadow of a shadow, a man who becomes less than a man, a wretched man. He is my shadow, though I disowned him; he knows me no more. He knows nothing anymore, a shadow-mind, shadowed by guilt and by all the other things I've lost. Oh, the heavens play with him, this victorious shadow, he shall soon know defeat. Things begin again, and I am free, so free, to loose that dark shadow from me.

The darkness, he is quite blind there, a child lost in flames, knowing not that the smoke suffocates him. I am glad to be rid of him, but he is so fascinating, my shadow. I'd not have him attached to me, but a pet, as a pet I'd keep him. Oh, I dearly want to keep him. But, it is too late to save him, so I shall give him a sign. The lightning and the sword shall be his guide, as the orange moon is mine.

Ah, but I shall come to him and ho! I'm immobilized. These dark strands that hold me, my shadow has such depth! Insolent, perhaps, but I'm quite at a loss, for all of a sudden I seem the shadow, the empty mockery of the man. Unjust? Regardless, it is not my nature to be disturbed. I know I am the true man, and so I cannot possibly fall in the end!

[Power, Existence, Truth, Lo...er, I mean, Omega, Infinity, Beta, Cross, Beta, Infinity, Omega ^_^]

I have a memory of these things, of the foolish paper man of logic who watched his own shadow become himself. I remember the darkness that bound them together, the shadow that stole the shallow soul and devoured the one who was him. I know the infinite mirror of shadow and object, the shadows who see each other reflecting themselves and recognize only a stranger. I understand the fool, for I was the fool. Mankind knew not of me, and I became empty.

This is the sin of Man, and his first command from the throne of darkness. Ignore it not, children of Man, for your sin is ignorance of the dark shadows you cast, and only Man can save himself. There are those who shall rise above the misery of Death and discover light.

So spake the angel who became truth.
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(no subject) [Feb. 11th, 2008|03:13 pm]
Driving is so relaxing...I was shaking like mad half an hour ago, and I just concentrate on driving home and I feel better. I need to remember that. I mean, it was the drive home that kept me sane over the summer, when I was working full time. It was my first time working that much...and it wasn't easy. I could do it again, though. I'll probably have to.

I'm gonna be in pretty bad debt no matter what happens. Well...now add to this I have a thorny subject ahead of me. My friends have decided to be of the fair-weather variety and haven't made any move to schedule a visit like I asked, and pretty much don't make any attempt to contact me, ever, with the exception of Zac and Holli. So they're basically friendly when it's convenient. I used to be like that, years ago, sure, but come on. You're in college now, guys, grow up. I really need you right now.

Of course, the thorny part of this has more to do with my spare key, but we'll see what I can do about that...though I expect to be disappointed, I can hope that people have grown up enough to do something they don't want to do for no other reason than it's the right thing.

Now I'm gonna head over to The Daily WTF before I get into stuff that should be private.
Laters.
-Ben

Why do the words "trust me" build such distrust? Is it that hard to believe in me?
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